Funny one liners and sayings

Filched from Comic Relief...

What is a magic dog?

A Labracadabrador

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Two crisps were strolling along a road.

A passerby offered them a lift.

They said "No thanks, we're Walkers."

My mate has a dog called Woodbine which has no legs but every night he takes it out for a drag 

Groan

Sigh

I was asked what animal would I like to be on a cold day 

              I replied a little otter 

I don't trip, I do random gravity checks.

My heart says chocolate and wine, But my jeans say, please, please eat a salad!!

Never laugh at your spouse's choices ~~ You are one of them !

One minute you are young and fun. The next you're turning down the car stereo to see better.

I'd grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds

Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now on I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.

Some people are like clouds, once they disappear it's a beautiful day

My body is a temple,  ancient and crumbling.

Common sense is not a gift. It is a punishment because you have to deal with everybody who doesn't have it.

I came.  I saw.  I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back.  Now I have no idea what's going on.

The pub is just 6 minutes walk from my home.

My home is 55 minutes from the pub, 

The difference is Staggering 

My OH has become obsessed by bondage. I'm at the end of my tether.

I can’t stand all these intellectuals banging on about Mozart when they’ve never even seen one of his paintings 

I bought a U2 version of Monopoly the other day. It’s rubbish, the streets have no names.