Funny one liners and sayings

I think that flies are very wise, when winter comes they dies .

(after Spike Milligan)

The shortest poem. 

"Flies"

Adam 'ad 'em.

Oops 😱

Wrong title, should be "Fleas"

I need to practise Social Distancing --  From the refrigerator

Still haven't decided where to go for Whitsun  ==  The living room or the Bedroom 

This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat just as if it understood her. I came into the house & told my dog,  Oh how we laughed 

My body has absorbed do much soap & disinfectant recently that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

                                         Donald Trump

Today I did something I never thought I would. I put on a mask, walked into the Bank and told the Cashier to hand over the money.

Tomorrow I'm going to hold a quarantine party; you're all not invited.

On Monday, I shall stay healthy by sitting on the sofa and taking no exercise

Steve

Drink a pint of ink a day. That'll make you write.

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, " Drink Responsibly " means don't spill it.

It's the start of a new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles !

The older I get the earlier it gets late.

When I say " The other day" ,I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

I remember being able to get around without all these sound effects

I truly had my patience tested today -- I'm Negative

Remember if you lose a sock in the dryer, it will come back as a Tupperware  lid that fits none of your boxes

If you sit in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, " Did you bring the money ?"

I hate it when couples argue in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I am on.

What's with this mass testing? Is it merger between the Catholic Church and checkatrade?

Did Henry VIII suffer from cloisterphobia?

We are angry! We have had ENOUGH! We will never help anyone again. EVER!!
Either we're too kindhearted, too stupid, or too gullible!! Out of the kindness of our hearts and because it was so cold out yesterday, we took a man into our home. Felt so sorry for him. Poor thing was frozen stiff, we had to carry him out of the cold.
This morning he just vanished. Not a word, not even "goodbye" or "thank you" for sheltering him!! The last straw? I realized he had peed all over the living room floor!
Like SERIOUSLY That's the "thank you" we get for being good to people?
Now we're going to warn our lovely friends/family to watch out for this man! He is heavy set, and he's wearing nothing but a scarf. He has a nose that looks like a carrot, 2 black eyes and his arms are so skinny they look like sticks!! Don't bring him into your house! What a huge mess he made on our floor but he did leave me his scarf!
He goes by the name of Frosty.